The Revolution Will Not Be Televised…
…but they will continue to dominate opponents with ease.
This time, it’s a 4—1 Total Victory over TBA.
MADISON—The weather in Wisconsin is unseasonably warm this year. Some say it’s global warming. Those who know better realize it’s the THC Green Revolution, the hottest team in IM soccer this side of the Tropic of Capricorn.
The Revolution used a record four (that 3!-2) goals, and a gutsy performance by an ailing Captain Courageous to scorch TBA 4—1. It was truly an Armenian Sunday, as Vardges Hovhannisyan (Translation: ‘bear with feet like leopard’) scored two goals and Captain Courageous added one. The onslaught came as no surprise to Central Asian scholars, as October 7 is a traditional Armenian holiday characterized by the baking of delicious cheese pastries in the morning and the opening of the venerated can-of-whoop-ass in the afternoon.
The undermanned Revolution, playing without stalwart defenders Francisco “El Padre”Galarza and Hwan-Il “Don’t call me Francisco” Park, simply outclassed the undignified TBA in every facet of the game. Stepping up for the undermanned THC defense, Andres “the Grinch” Moya once again anchored the back side, spoiling TBA chances like so many Christmases. At one point, fellow defender Ben “My two flat, left-footed feet” Schwab was able to find two lucky clovers in the grass while Moya covered his position.
DylanFitz added a goal and survived a blatant, but unflagged, take down attempt by a TBA goon. League officials are reviewing the tape but expect to levy no fine as any punishment in excess of TBA’s humiliation at the feet of the Revolution may violate league rules regarding “cruel and unusual punishment”.
Hovhannisyan got things started on the baseline by punching in a clever ball, backdoor style. However, while the Revolution were distracted trying to coax a cat down from a tree, help an old lady across the street and bring peace to the Middle East, TBA sneaked in a goal on a corner kick. Marin “The Shutter” Bozic later confessed that he would have stopped the goal, but wanted the team to consistently win by three, and knew that four goals would be scored by the good guys.
DylanFitz then broke the tie with a simply disgusting move and finish on the TBA defense and keeper. A source reports seeing a number of ankles broken on the play.
Captain Courageous and ‘bear with feet like leopard’ then put on a passing clinic—inside TBA’s goal area. They toyed with the opposing keeper like two lions batting about a felled warthog before Courageous put the beast out of its misery and tapped in a score.
To make matters worse for TBA, their plan to headhunt DylanFitz backfired, just as it did in the striker's favorite movie, "Karate Kid". He took out his anger by sweetly sending the ball to ‘bear with feet like leopard’ by special ‘d’, and the black clad warrior responding by netting his second of the day.
It could have been far worse for TBA, though. Perhaps due to divine fair-play intervention, many Green Revolution chances missed by just inches. Eric ‘pale force’ Horsch struck the woodwork so hard on one play, he was nearly assessed another yellow card for excessive power.
‘Pale Force’, 6-pac Lajaj and ‘el locomotive’ Weber all put in tireless efforts with runs that ceaselessly wore down the opponents. ‘El locomotive’ continued his cannonball ways by knocking down yet another opposing player foolish enough to try to scramble for a loose ball that the wife-beater wearing defender has already locked on to.
And for a second straight game, Lajaj outraced all comers to balls on both ends of the field, leaving exhausted defenders in his wake. He also provided sideline morale by intentionally falling into a nest of ten overturned bicycles as a means of providing a humorous antidote to the vicious carnage occurring on the field.
