Cinderella Wears Green and Doesn’t Shave
Another PK thriller and Another Big W for the THC Green Revolution as They March into the Finals
Madison—Not since Norman Borlaug’s bachelor party has it been this fun to be a Green Revolutionary. Unwilling to simply save the drama for their respective mamas, the THC Green Revolution warriors have crop dusted their way into the Ultimate Championship Final Battle of Ultimate Glory with yet another toenail biting finish.
With a raucous sellout crowd on hand, the Green Revolution, under the guidance of Captain Courageous, employed their now famous “Lift-off of the Dodo Bird” strategy to begin the game. After lulling the opposition into a false sense of security by allowing the Foot Ballas some early chances, the Revolution awoke from its early slumber like the true samurai knights they surely are.
Bolstered by the return of “Pale Force” Horsch, who was cleared to play by doctors after receiving a last minute pigment injection, and injured quarterfinal inspiration El Locomotive Weber, team green dialed up the pressure all the way to ‘11’. And with some nifty defensive moves from El Padre Galarza and The Eel Park, the pendulum began to swing back to the forces of good. Heck, even “My Two Left Feet” Schwab came with in a whole 10 yards of scoring—with his actual left foot.
Then suddenly, without warning, El Locomotive made a great steal in the Foot Ballas end. His face still mangled with the scars of a viscous quarterfinal slide tackle and his memory limited to “Save the by the Bell” trivia and a few lines from “How to Dominate Soccer in One Easy Step by Finding the Real YOU”, El Locomotive steamed down the line like he was late for the 10:18 to Yuma. Leaving most of the defense choking on his smoke stack and drawing the rest to him, Weber crossed the ball to the empty green space at the far end of the goal area. Racing down all the way from Mount Ararat, Captain Courageous then slammed it in the back of the net to give the THC the lead. Good guys one, bad guys a big fat goose egg.
As the whistle blew on the first half, and the wind picked up, the Green Revolution knew their test was far from finished. For one thing, soccer is usually played over the course of two halves. And for another, the Foot Ballas were bound to have some dirty tricks up their sleeve.
Yet the beginning of the second half bore witness to no slackening of the beat down reins. Andres “I have now decided the only fair way to play is to take a whole handful of Ambien, sleepwalk to the game, and then tie my shoelaces together because I am just that good” Moya proved yet again why its ok for the other defenders to drift off every once and a while and think about puppies and sunshine when he’s on the field. Making stop after stop and slamming the ball down the field with the force of a 100 emus, he steadied the Revolution schooner in the second half.
But a bit of trickery injected some much needed drama into the contest, when the Foot Ballas used a set play deep in Revolution territory to tie up the game on a goal that even The Shutter could not get to.
With the score knotted at one, TGR once again ratcheted up their already highly ratched intensity. A great play from Captain Courageous was nullified as he was blatantly taken down from behind while he threatened in opposition real estate. But nary a whistle. And after some fancy passing between “6-Pac” Laajaj, Pale Force Horsch, “Bear with Feet Like Leopard” Hovhannisyan and DylanFitz, the Southern striker appeared to break free in front of the Foot Ballas net. But a swift kick to just west of the happy place sent him roughly to the ground. Yet no penalty kick was awarded.
The whistle blew only to signal the end of regulation, as the Green Revolution were denied the opportunity to seal the Total Victory in forty minutes. And so once again, the fate of the THC rested on penalty kicks.
Though some were nervous, loyal Revolution watchers were rewarded with the knowledge that when it comes to swatting away a big white ball fired from close range, simply nobody beats The Shutter. Nobody.
After falling behind in the first round 1-0, all eyes fell on The Shutter, and the statuesque Croation intimidated yet another ball wide of the net.
Now it was time for DylanFitz to take his turn. A perfect 3 for 3 on the year, his ‘Way of the Five Hole’ method had proved unbeatable coming into this game. Had word spread of his penchant for punching it through the legs? Would he achieve supreme Nash Equilibrium with a randomization? Or would he refuse to fake the funk, and stick with old glory?
Answer: A blast to the right and the sweet sound of net caressing ball. All even after two rounds.
And so now Captain Courageous had the dais. His hard shot curled beautifully inside the left post—but wait! He was robbed!!! The keeper leapt across to make a Shutter-like save. Shock from around the nation.
And even more shock as the keeper came out of the net to take the ensuing penalty kick and boot in an impossible shot. 2—1 villains, with only “6-Pac” Laajaj to go. Could this be the end of The Revolution?
Yet 6-Pac was no stranger to pressure, having clinched victory just 24 hours ago on the very same field, in nearly the same situation. And so without any hesitation, the unflappable francophone simply ran up and kicked the ball like he was back in the idyllic meadows of France, without a care in the world. And what a shot it was. A rifle to the right; no chance for the keeper. Al Thowra Al Ahdar lives!
With the score even after four rounds, the Ultimate Championship Final Battle of Ultimate Glory qualifier would now be decided on single rounds. Could The Shutter conjure another miracle? Is Vault Zero delicious?
So when the Foot Ballas lined up take their turn in the first half of the fram, The Shutter simply refused to let that trash in his kitchen, and ejected it with a swift kick of his prodigious foot. That’s 12 penalty kicks faced this year and 9 stops, which is so far into the tail end of the distribution that The Shutter has been permanently banned from attending Jack Porter’s class.
But The Green Revolution still needed its own goal to clinch victory. And who would they call on but mental gymnast DylanFitz. A hush fell on the crowd as the Revolutionary and the keeper engaged in yet another silent battle of telepathic checkers. Not a breath was respirated, nor a booger picked as it seemed the entire state of Wisconsin was watching to see who would triumph, and who would be vanquished. Even Henry C. Taylor took a break from his No Limit Hold ‘Em game with Albert Einstein and Jesus to watch.
But hark now, Checkers is a game not to be engaged in lightly when dealing with those who have voluntarily chosen to live a period of their life in New Jersey. And oh did DylanFitz make the Keeper pay for his foolhardiness. A lightning strike to the right corner and victory was once again the order of the day for the THC.
A mob engulfed DylanFitz, and under the massive pile up, amid the din of celebrants on their way to the Ultimate Championship Final Battle of Ultimate Glory, someone swore they could hear a voice yelling “King Me, B$*#@!”