The Enormous Engine That Could
The THC Green Revolution survive a bruising quarterfinals and prove Chong always beats Cheech
Madison—When you’re #1, and you pack a nuclear powered el locomotive in your arsenal, the world can be a cruel place. The THC Green Revolution found that out the hard way on Monday, but not even the dirty reality of jealously-inspired terrorism could keep TGR out of the semi-finals.
Playing their first game of Monday Night Futbol under the bright lights of prime time, the Green Revolution were determined not to start with the kind of sluggish effort displayed in the first half of Sunday’s match. So when TGR dialed up the early pressure, Cheech could only respond by sending out their goon squad.
With the game just a few minutes old, and El Locomotive Weber steaming toward yet another win in the midfield area, Goony Gonzalez of Cheech decided to take out the unstoppable force with a blatantly illegal slide chop that sent Weber headfirst into the turf. Though Gonzalez saw yellow, Weber was seeing crimson streaking down his cheeks and stars around his head from the take-out maneuver.
With El Locomotive out of the game, the rest of the first half turned into a gritty battle. “The Eel” Park foiled a Cheech offensive with a picturesque pickpocket, and Marin “The Shutter” Bozic kept TGR in the game with a plethora of stops.
When the whistle blew on the first half, and the score tied nil-nil, it was clear that this would be no piano recital for the Revolution heroes. As the second half begun, the sell out crowd saw more of the same gritty play from each side. Yet TGR stood tall, almost as tall as their keeper. And when a flagrantly unjust penalty shot was awarded to Cheech, The Shutter, as he has done before on so many occasions, intimidated it wide of the net.
But when a yella cheech punched in a fluke goal, the nation wandered whether the depleted Green Revolution squad, missing Weber and “Pale Force” Horsch (out with a melanin malfunction) could rally.
The doubters, however, had clearly not witnessed the resolve displayed by the THC squad all throughout the year. And so it was a shock only to them when El Locomotive Weber, defying the advice of the sideline ‘medial’ personnel, replaced the ineffective “my two left feet” Schwab with just ten minutes to go in the game.
Yet despite the inspiring heroics and maniacal sideline runs of the one man railroad, the Green Revolution just could not solve the Cheech defense. The Shutter and El Padre kept The Revolution alive defensively, but the attack could gain no momentum.
Soon, though, the tide began to turn. With Andres “I will play offense, defense, special teams, and short bus driver during this game” foiling Cheech attack after Cheech attack and leading the charge from both ends, the game became a race against the clock.
Finally, after taking a long ball deep in the corner of the Cheech end, striker DylanFitz maneuvered around the defense, buying time until reinforcements arrived. Only then, did he stroke a perfect pass to the middle of field, where Captain Courageous fought off three Cheech defenders and a passing ratel to gather the ball and drill it past the helpless keeper, tying the ball game.
After a dizzying final few minutes, with each team fighting not only for its playoff lives, but the heavy wagers lodged with local bookies, the whistle blew. A season of hard work and drunk groupies came down to penalty kicks.
Though it would be tempting to say that the Revolution faithful, having seen their squad convert a 100% PK proficiency, and seen The Shutter deny both PKs sent his way during the regular season, had complete confidence in the outcome. Yet, I tell you there were doubters. There were those whose faith had waivered, who began to rationalize a quarterfinal finish. Fortunately, none of these doubters actually played for the Revolution.
Moya, up first for TGR, realized immediately that the ball chosen by the officials was not favorable for the THC squad. So he booted it well over the Canadian border, drawing a replacement. The following Cheech player, intimidated by the hulking visage of The Shutter, could only manage a week bouncer wide of the post.
DylanFitz, trying desperately to bury the demons of a PK college disaster, then delivered the first blow to Cheech’s hopes of advancing, a stout five hole shot that would make any Wisconsinite proud. Cheech could only respond with another shaky, errant shot.
Captain Courageous, with the calm of a Zen Bhuddist Master and the focus of a samurai, expertly curled the next ball inside the post, past the helpless keeper. Only a lucky roll from the opposing kicker kept Cheech alive, with the score 2-1.
Then, “6-Pac” Laajaj, fresh off another game of running roughshod over the opposing defense stepped up for his shot. A goal would end the match, putting the opposition out of their obvious misery. A miss could give them life, and kill the TGR season. Yet Laajaj, like a Frenchman at an incomprehensible movie, looked right at home. He wound up, arced the ball towards the corner, and it seemed as if the game would end in THC victory.
But wait! It hit the post! And, And…..bounced right in the goal, a perfect corner shot, slamming the door on Cheech and propelling the Green Revolution into the semifinals.
As for El Locomotive, well, he refuses to hold a grudge against the dirty tactics used against him. Just don’t let him find you on his tracks.