“We Got ‘Em by the Balls!”
In their first Postseason match, The THC Green Revolution Keep the Smell of Victory Alive by Not Showering, Winning 1-0
Madison—Like a costumed lion, slumbering lazily through the morning after Halloween with a victory hangover, the THC Green Revolution opened their first ever postseason match looking as though they needed a nap. Instead, they roared to life in the second half, devouring UW Arsenal like a newborn gazelle unable yet to stand and moving into the Quarterfinals.
Once again, The Revolution rode Marin “The Shutter” Bozic to victory. Employing the famed ‘Rope-a-Dope’ maneuver, the TGR trudged their way through the first half, looking sluggish, sloppy and slow. And despite conceding the Arsenal a 99.999 to .000001 (note: may not add up to 100 due to rounding error in author’s brain) percent advantage in possession, The Shutter would not be pried open, not even with a specialty crowbar. Instead, he stood firm, single-handedly taking the man parts of each opposing player into his outstretched hands to prevent them from scoring.
Soon, the rest of the team followed suit. Andres “I have now officially stolen the ball at least twice from every single registered IM soccer player at UW and am considering cutting off one leg to make things fair for everyone” Moya soon joined in the clampdown with some nifty chopdowns of the Arsenal’s tree like forward.
When the halftime whistle blew, the Revolution was ready to turn the switch back to “Kick tuchus and take names” mode.
After a courageous halftime pep talk by Captain Courageous, the heroes in green took the field with renewed energy of Vault Zero like proportions. “6-Pac” Laajaj immediately began wearing down the opposition by ceaselessly running up and down the field like a mechanical rabbit. “Bear with Feet Like Leopard” weaved through the defense like a Melvillean matmaker. “El Locomotive” Weber steamed towards balls unreachable by ordinary mortals, shielding them from the Arsenal players like a warthog guarding her brood of piglets. “Pale Force” Horsch transformed his head into an albino spring, reversing the course of dangerous, airborne Arsenal balls. He even managed to avoid a yellow card for the whole game. And all the while, The Shutter never released his firm grip on the opponents’ nether regions.
The defense, anchored admirably the whole way by Moya and savvy vets “The Eel” Park and “El Padre” Galarza, continued to hold strong. But just when it looked like the TGR offense was about to rise from hibernation, near-disaster struck. DylanFitz, jujitsuing his way through the Arsenal defense had only one man to beat before mercifully executing the goalie with a deadly shot. The Arsenal defender, knowing he was powerless to legally halt the attack and fearful of future generations of DylanFitzes running amuck through the soccer world, swung his leg forward in a brutal and remorseless attack on the Revolution striker.
Since the referees had been rushed to the hospital in the first half after inadvertently swallowing their whistles while “My Two Left Feet” Schwab was humiliatingly shoved out of bounds, their was no official retribution for the senseless attack. Yet the ire of DylanFitz had been raised, and dark clouds gathered on the horizon for Arsenal.
Soon, vengeance would be the order of the day.
Just minutes later, after a long run, “6-Pac” outraced every Arsenal defender and their mother down the field, gathering in the ball as the panicked opposition scrambled to get back. Yet “6-Pac” calmly booted it over to Captain Courageous who no-looked it over to DylanFitz. Revenge was sweet, as DylanFitz fired it past the goalie, through the back of the net, and onto a moped bound for the THC Hall of Recorded Glory as TGR’s first ever playoff goal.
And only then did The Shutter loudly proclaim what was then obvious to the largest ever TGR crowd—“We Got ‘em by the Balls!”
Indeed they did.