What an F***---Stop!!!!
The Green Revolution slog their way to 1---0 victory and an unprecedented Anti-Victoryless regular season behind gritty play and sensational stops by The Shutter in Mud Bowl I.
Madison--- Coming into their regular season finale against the Madison Eagles, The Green Revolution’s streak of blowout total victories had raised the obvious question: Could even God stop The Revolution?
On Sunday that question was answered with an emphatic ‘No!’. Though the Lord let it rain for forty days and forty nights, Marin ‘The Shutter’ Bozic built up an ark to raise The Revolution safely above the floodwaters that drowned only the Eagles.
In a game that will surely be recorded in the annals of IM Soccer as one for the ages, The Green Revolution did battle on a field eroded by the harsh rain of the heavens and the blood soaked sweat of the day’s combatants. Mud Bowl I will live on in the hearts and memories of the nation, unlike the unfortunate players from the Madison Eagles who were swallowed up by the mud and gore like Turducken at a holiday feast[1].
Yet for those lucky enough to witness the game, it will be the image of “The Flight of The Shutter” that will endure for all time. For The Revolution were severely tested this Sunday, both by the Madison Eagles, a semi-professional Chinese team from the ancient city of Eagle Heights (I believe that is somewhere in Hunan province), and the divine forces that wrought such harsh elements and intervened to change the very nature of the laws of physics.
Yes, it was just such an intervention that set up the most dramatic ending in Green Revolution history since the great forfeit victory of 1926 in which Henry C. Taylor arrived with mere seconds to spare to secure a default win for the club. After a vicious second half, in which the Eagles’ menacing onslaughts were parried by the mud-caked but valiant THC defense in order to preserve a one goal lead, disaster struck with just 7 seconds remaining on the Referee’s clock. A ball careening harmlessly through the air and towards the sideline suddenly reversed course and veered back towards unsuspecting defensive juggernaut Jeremy ‘El Locomotive’ Weber, striking the raging-bull like player on his considerable bicep inside the goal area. The whistle blew, the crowd gasped, and Isaac Newton lurched in his tomb at the affront to physics displayed by the errant ball. But alas, despite the desperate please of Andres “I’ve discovered the technology to clone myself and simultaneously appear on multiple areas of the field at once” Moya and Captain Courageous, the severe decree could not be averted. A penalty kick would be the game’s final play.
As the canary-clad Eagle lined up to take his shot, the spirits of even the most ardent Revolution boosters buckled. For the goal area resembled nothing more than a sea of brown sludge, dotted with an odd blade of grass like a man on Rogaine’s head. Though The Shutter, playing with nary a spike on his mud-encased tennis shoes, had somehow waded through the muck for countless brilliant saves, surely his superhuman abilities had reached their limit? Surely The Shutter might slide across the goal line in time to save one penalty kick, as he did just ten minutes previously on an equally physics defying goal area hand ball, but two penalty kick saves? Aye, the mere thought was too ridiculous to even entertain.
Yet as the yellow figure began his motion towards the ball, a glimmer could be seen in The Shutter’s eyes. Those who saw it swear that they have now seen confidence, in its most naked and pure form, shining from the Balkan keeper’s eyes. And as the ball was struck, a perfect shot, mind you, angling through the mud towards the inside of the right post, a miracle occurred.
Sure, you can say you don’t believe in miracles, and if you ask the men and women on the field that day what they saw, some will say their eyes were playing tricks on them. That it was the mud, the fatigue, the tension. But truth is truth, and reality has no double entendres. And so the honest amongst us, the ones who are unafraid to let go of antiquated notions of what is ‘possible’ and not, can faithfully relate what occurred on that fateful goal kick: The Shutter flew. The Shutter willed himself off the ground, above the unforgiving mud and into the sweet embrace of air molecules, drifted laterally through the vapor, and swatted away the incoming orb with his left foot. Game over. End of discussion.
Yes, The Flight of The Shutter was real. Realer than the bruised shins of the selfless defense and the dirty play of the grabby Eagles.
But was The Flight of The Shutter the only noteworthy event of the day? Does a bear use toilet paper?
No. And The Flight of the Shutter would have been trivial if not for the game’s other heroics.
Captain Courageous, still ailing from a rare bout of bird flu, gave the Revolution the early edge off of a Corner by slamming the ball past the keeper. It was the first corner score in the history of the THC franchise.
Moya and Weber knocked down incoming attackers like so many buildings in Godzilla.
‘6-Pac’ Lajaj once again could not be contained as he dashed to and fro like a well-muscled roadrunner.
And for the umpteenth time this season, DylanFitz and “Bear with feet like Leopard” wreaked havoc in the Eagle backfield, generating chance after sumptuous chance.
And of course, The Flight of The Shutter would have been trivial had Ben “My Two Left Feet” Schwab been able to simply tap in the perfect pass from DylanFitz, put right on his feet in front of an empty net. But no, My Two Left Feet loves drama and comedy, and so he opted for a ridiculous slip and fall instead of the easy finish, just to set up the last second thriller and give the fans a laugh. And Francisco Galarza, like an emissary from above, arrived just in time to give the THC much needed reinforcements.
Yes, Mud Bowl I was full of great happenings for the THC Green Revolution. And they continue their march on this historic season towards greater IM glory. The postseason begins next week, where the club will continue to trample foes underfoot. Now, only one question remains: Will you be there to witness another miracle?
[1] At the time this article went to print, rescue work at the game site continued. Four Madison Eagles remain missing and are assumed to still be submerged somewhere beneath the field. Anyone with information as to their whereabouts is urged to contact the Madison Police.