Déjà vu: Total Victory Times Two
THC Green Revolution Still Perfect After Another Day of Domination
September 23, 2007
Madison------Under a hot Midwestern sun, without ailing leader Captain Courageous, and facing the undefeated UW Arsenal, IM soccer pundits across the state had predicted that this Sunday would be a letdown for the heroes of the THC Green Revolution. The problem was, somebody forgot tell the Revolution.
Displaying an overwhelming combination of grit, hustle and ballerina-like finishing ability, Al-Thowra Al-Ahdar (as they are known by their Middle Eastern Fans) blazed their way to another 3—nil victory. Marin “The Shutter” Bozic collected yet another shutout, leaving many to wonder whether the Revolution keeper is not, in fact, part-cyborg.
Dylan Fitz, who before the game legally changed his named to DylanFitz in the tradition of other great South American[1] strikers, stroked in the first two goals, and Vardges Hovhannisyan (Translation from the Armenian: ‘bear with feet like leopard’), questionable before the game with a foot injury, collected the clincher.
Filling in for Courageous, temporary captain Andres “I’m so good I don’t even need a clever nickname” Moya steered the THC ship to victory by constantly defusing the Arsenal attack. Arsenal players grew so frustrated with Moya’s constant meddling, they have issued a formal protest to the league that the Columbian Recocha should count as two players. The commissioner is currently considering the proposal.
The game got off to an ignominious start, as the THC looked out of sync. Ben “My two flat, left-footed feet” Schwab mishandled sweet passes from both Moya and Eric “Pale Force” Horsch in the early going (later blaming the miscues on a “deeply held sense of fair play.”), and DylanFitz outfoxed the Arsenal defense only to be undone by the unforgiving turf.
However, the malaise would soon be broken.
Rachid “6-pak” Laajaj sparked the turn-around with a gutsy run down the left sideline that resulted in a header off the woodwork and a seismic collision with two Arsenal players. The Arsenal players were slow to get up, but the THC found new life.
From then on the play was all to the boys in green. DylanFitz opened the floodgates with a highlight reel score sure to be replayed in living rooms across the nation. Gathering in a long pass, DylanFitz displayed the patience of a Rishi and the touch of a Reiki Master by calmly transferring the ball to his left foot, clearing himself for a clean shot, and winding it past the helpless keeper. Early reports indicate that even the referees could not help but weep at the shot’s beauty.
With a one goal lead, and a defense bolstered by a number of skillful stops from veteran defenders Francisco “El Padre”Galarza and Hwan-Il “Don’t call me Francisco” Park, the Revloution would not look back. While Park deflected dangerous balls deep in his own zone harmlessly to the line, and Galarza headed balls out, Jeremy “El Locomotive” Weber steamed up and down the field unimpeded by neither man nor beast. Arsenal players quickly learned to run the other way as Weber blurred by.
The Second half was more of the same. Switching tactics, and using their numerical superiority wisely, the Green Revolution made the Arsenal give chase. Inside sources attribute the adjustment to a mysterious blonde on the sideline, but guesses to her identity are, at this point, pure speculation.
Once again, it was DylanFitz opening the scoring in the second half with his third goal of the year. Dribbling around the Arsenal defense like so many orange cones, DylanFitz was set to widen the lead as he looked down a clear path to the keeper when he was viscously cut down from behind by a malicious arsenal cleat. Seeing red, team enforcer “Pale Force” Horsch raced down the field to prevent further harm, and was unjustly shown yellow (a THC first! Huzzah!) for his valiancy. DylanFitz, rejecting the urging of team doctors, stayed on the field to rip the penalty kick through the keeper’s five hole, recording the first PK in team history since records on the matter have been kept.
To complete the victory, Hovhannisyan added his first goal of the year. After turning back yet another Arsenal attack, “6-pak” raced up the field ahead of the defense. With only one man to beat, he deftly crossed it to the graceful Armenian, who expertly collected the ball, turned past the defense and deposited the ball behind the keeper. His goal inspired Park to volunteer to reinjure Vardgas’ foot prior to subsequent games.
Unable to solve The Shutter, Arsenal could not rally, and the THC Green Revolution closed the book on yet another 3—0 shutout. Said Moya of the victory, “It feels good to win, so good I’m going to take off my shirt and roll in the grass for a while.”
When informed that the victory guaranteed the team a postseason berth, Schwab reiterated his commitment to the club, saying, “As long as we win, I’ll show up to most games and jog around the field a bit, I guess.”
Weber was unable to be reached for comment, as he failed to stop running following the final whistle. Reports currently place him somewhere south of Beloit.